“far too many people are looking for the right person, instead of trying to be the right person.” -gloria steinem
This time last year I was no where close to being happy happy. My first boyfriend dumped me. We all know the cliche that the first cut is the deepest. How true that was for me.
This year, I am once again nursing a broken heart. The difference between the two, though, couldn’t be bigger.
Boyfriend #1 was great for many reasons and made me happy. However, time has shown me how wrong we’d be together.
He made me self-conscious about almost all of me: my weight, my kissing abilities, and even my academic goals.
When we broke up, I was crushed. Mostly because I felt like I wasn’t good enough for him. He was dating other people shortly thereafter, which didn’t help things for me at all. I was filled with this huge fear that I’d never live up to anyone’s standards again. It really sucked. And because of that I made some mistakes- dated someone I knew was totally wrong, and used another guy completely.
Time and space from a person gives you clarity. I’ve realized how broken I was, and I am so grateful I am that I’m no longer in that relationship.
My last relationship was short, and yet, more serious for me. It ended basically the same- he, for whatever reason, didn’t see me in his future. I’m still hurt, and I still miss him, but I’m not broken.
This could be for many reasons. The last year made me strong, brought me closer to my Heavenly Father, and prepared me for this trial. And beyond that, my last boyfriend treated me with the respect and care that I lacked in other relationships. He didn’t put me down or make me feel self-conscious about anything. He had a view of me that made me feel like he saw my potential. I could love him without feeling dependent on him. So without him, I am still happy and hopeful for the future.
This post isn’t a glorification of my last boyfriend. I know that a year from now, I’ll look back and see all the little things wrong with the relationship- like how he never called or was open about his feelings for me. But one of those reasons won’t be because of the way he saw me (and thus the way I saw myself).
No, this post isn’t glorifying him. Nor is it demonizing my first boyfriend. It’s just on observation on my life.
This time last year, I knew I’d once again be happy (even if I was single). I’m very happy to report that I am.
dear future husband,
currently, marriage is the scariest idea in my head. [yes, even scarier than trying to find employment as an art history major.] eternity is a long time. relationships are hard and sometimes they stink. i want to say that i’ll be able to swallow my fears and just trust in what we have. i’ll try, but i can’t promise that i will always be fearless. in those times, i’ll need you to be fearless, even if you need to fake it.
or you can always diffuse the situation through laughter or cheeseburgers.
dear future husband,
let’s spend our time outside, in nature. i want a buddy to hike with, someone who’ll teach me how to rock climb. i want an adventure buddy, and i would like to be that buddy.
i promise we’ll have days to veg out in front of the TV, or read books or play games.
let’s make our life together an adventure.