love song

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How dare the Premier ignore my invitations?
He’ll have to go
So, to the bunch he luncheons with
It’s second on my list of things to do

At the top I’m stopping by
Your place of work and acting like
I haven’t dreamed of you and I
And marriage in an orange grove

You are the only thing
In any room you’re ever in
I’m stubborn, selfish and too old

I sat you down and told you how
The truest love that’s ever found is for oneself
You pulled apart my theory
With a weary and disinterested sigh

So yes, I guess I’m asking you
To back a horse that’s good for glue and nothing else
But find a man that’s truer than
Find a man that needs you more than I

Sit with me a while
And let me listen to you talk about
Your dreams and your obsessions
I’ll be quiet and confessional

The violets explode inside me
When I meet your eyes
Then I’m spinning and I’m diving
Like a cloud of starlings
Darling, is this love?

– elbow, starlings

what is love?

recently, i read an article from “hellogiggles”. it’s all about how to tell when you love someone.  up to this year, i wondered about this a lot. i know a lot of people who wonder about this, too.

the author explores love as the metaphor as a plane ride, and you can jump or pilot the plane.  a simple, easy metaphor.  the article had excellent quotes.  here are a few of my favorites:

“Love is making a choice every single day, to either love or not love.  That’s it.  It’s that simple.  Either to continue the process or not. We fall in and out of love.  Even in relationships, especially in relationships.  This doesn’t mean we don’t love the person.  It means we are left with a choice.  There is a difference between feeling love for someone (caring about a person), and loving someone (choosing to love that person).  You may have love for someone forever.  But that doesn’t mean you choose to love that person forever.”

to think of love as a choice seems highly unromantic and super logical, but i couldn’t believe it more whole-heartedly. we have so much more control over our lives than we give ourselves credit for.  we choose our emotions, our feelings.  if we can choose to not hate someone, we can choose to love someone.

“Although love varies, it also deepens. This means the longer you stay on that flight and embark on the journey together, the more fruit the process will bare. Your investment pays off. Your choices become easier. You not only become stronger as a couple, but also as individuals, assuming the love process is healthy – which means you guys are both doing work. The choice to love creates opportunity to hit notes in life that you could never hit alone and THIS is what makes your choice worth it.”

this quote makes me think of something my mother told me once. she told me, “affection grows as your commitment does.” it makes me so sad when people give up after a short time.  work pays off.  the same is true for a career and the same is true for relationships.

“So how do you know if it’s love? That is not the question to ask. The question is do you choose to love this person or not? Right now. Not tomorrow. Today. Make a choice. Yes or no. If the answer is yes, love as hard as you can. Love with everything you’ve got (your capacity right now at this point in your life). If the answer is no, promise me one thing.

Let the fall make you stronger.”

the author’s closing advice is so key.  if someone is draining your energy or if you are miserable with someone, don’t stick it out just for the sake of sticking it out. if you see no potential in a relationship, decide that day to jump out.  if you see potential (or if you don’t see a lack of potential) don’t jump out, and instead give that love all you’ve got.  you jump or you strengthen.  you don’t get both.

i’ve been in situations when i knew i wasn’t happy, but instead of just jumping, i sat in the hypothetical plane, letting it fly on autopilot rather than taking the wheel and flying the pane.  eventually, i did jump, but i was miserable and had wasted time.  i also know people who have a good plane flight going, but for whatever reason, they decide to jump.  they miss out on views, experiences and possibly the best thing that ever happened to them.  in the end, staying on a flight too long is just as heartbreaking as jumping too soon.

love quote

“Some of the biggest challenges in relationships come from the fact that most people enter a relationship in order to get something: they’re trying to find someone who’s going to make them feel good. In reality, the only way a relationship will last is if you see your relationship as a place that you go to give, and not a place that you go to take.” – anthony robbins